I have not written in a while, and I will tell you why: my heart is broken.
It is not that I have had my heart broken by a boy (or girl, for that matter); it is nothing of the sort. No, it is, in a sense, far worse - a betrayal by nearly everything around me; a desertion of that spirit, that spark, which keeps one truly alive.
I have discovered that the community of my "colleagues" in the UK, where I now work, is full of liars, cheats, fakers and backstabbers. Idle people, shallow people, envious people, selfish people, people who wouldn't hesitate to steal your ideas, people who drain you of everything you have within you until you are left empty. Every morning is a new struggle to convince myself to get up and go to work. The British education system does nothing to try and raise my spirits, either. Not only are the academics often hateful and lazy, their students are just as often incapable and underprepared.
Add to this the nature of the place I find myself. The sun hardly shines, the land is flat and soggy all year, and even the river is sluggish. My SAD lamp can barely keep me awake in the morning - it takes about 50 oz of Diet Coke to accomplish that. Seasons all blend together into one muted greenish-brown blur; there is no distinction. As though England has given up on trying.
Today, I tried to work on finishing the analysis of some data from my last postdoc. It's good data, and deserves a publication. I've already sat, unwillingly, on it for months, being swamped by the mindless secretarial tasks my current boss has set me to. And I discovered that I could no longer remember how to do something very, very simple.
It was a shock, a kick to the gut: not only had the world around me turned hostile, but I, in return, had weakened, and forgotten the things I knew before. I immediately shut my computer, leaving several unfinished conversations in my wake, grabbed my coat and ran outside. On the way home, I fought back tears, but was unsuccessful. I bounced between fiery anger and utter despair on a moment to moment basis. Melodramatic, perhaps, but it was the proverbial straw. The light had gone out, snuffed by the darkness. It was like all of the evil and stupidity around me had finally won.
So there you have it. A broken world has broken me.
1 week ago