Friday, August 21, 2009

Damn, I feel like a woman

Ever since Shania Twain's insipid propagation of menial feminine stereotypes in her 1995 album "The Woman in Me" (continued in rampant disregard for the sanctity of life in the subsequent "Come On Over" in '97), women around the world (and men likewise) have been forced to suffer, in true pop music fashion, the roles which are intended for them. So your rant for this Friday morning is my own version of the most catchy of the most insipid of the most menial of the songs - "Any Man of Mine." Enjoy.

This is what a woman wants...
Any man of mine should be proud of me when I do something deserving
Even when I'm ugly, he'd still better love me, since it's only fair and he probably isn't very good looking either (just go to Walmart and see what I mean)
And I can be late for a date, but it just makes me look like an idiot who can't read a clock
Any man of mine will admit that the dress doesn't fit, but he won't need to worry
Because I don't wear damn dresses anyway
And when I'm having a bad hair day, I should remember that he'll lose his hair
And if I change my mind a million times
I wanna hear him retort with logical and well-reasoned arguments as to why it will or won't work

Chorus:
Any man of mine should know better than to steal lyrics from Johnny Cash,
Better show me that he has a rudimentary knowledge of the English language,
I need a man who knows something more than just how to rhyme "know" and "go"
He should be able to pronounce "ing" without dropping the "g" like a lazy bastard
Any man of mine

Well, any man of mine should not be subjected to such horrendous treatment
As having beautiful women pointed out to him for the sole purpose of being fished for a damn compliment
And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black
He should probably have already been aware that my oven is on the fritz and suggested take-out
And if I change my mind a million times, then I'm probably not doing a good job of examining all the evidence

(Repeat Chorus x2)

Your interpretations are also welcome, of course.

5 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
    And that is precisely why I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OK - I had to do it. Here are lyrics equivalent to the original, only translated into male stereotypes. Attractive, isn't it? ;-)


    Any girl of mine needs to think I'm altruistic
    When I'm mysongenistic, she'll never go ballistic
    I can be inconsiderate, I can demand and dictate
    But if she does the same, I'm gonna get irate
    Any girl of mine will say I look so svelte
    When my beer belly is hanging over my belt
    And she'll tell me my wheels are the hottest in town
    When the rusty old cart's gone and broken down
    And if I cancel our dates, in favour of my mates
    I wanna hear her say I'm still doing great.

    Any girl of mine better tow the line
    And when I give her wine, give me a steamin' time
    And she'd better understand, she's gotta give me a 'hand'
    Whenever I demand, she must be lovin' canned,
    Now, that's my woman!
    With any girl of mine, I'll never be indicted
    If another girl's gettin' me excited
    If I'm crap in the sack, and can't make her climax
    She'd better fake for me, and never say that I'm lax.
    And if I cancel our dates, in favour of my mates
    I wanna hear her say I'm still doing great.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You made my day. And now I have to get this sick song out of my head.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That was hilarious! Sort of reminds of "Run, woman run" or "Stand by your man" by Tammy Wynette. And so many more.

    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, in the end, I guess she's the one who has to live with herself. I think this is what the Bible was referring to when it said we'd have to account for every idle thought....

    ReplyDelete

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